And finally i update...

This Bitch Never Updates!! ...and she apologizes profusely for that. My darling little lady refuses to nap now, so there is no time for mommy to do a damn thing without a toddler interrupting in the most destructive ways she can. But now, i am updating while the living room is being torn apart, so you all better appreciate it! Haha.
The pregnancy is coming along quite miserable, as is to be expected with twins, i suppose. Twice the hormones, twice the cravings, twice the weight gain. Splendid, eh?
On the more positive side of things, Jesse and i are doing well with our relationship fixing. We don't really have any problems worth speaking of. The problems we do have come from my hormones raging about nothing. He's working two jobs to support us through all of this, as my job is not exactly doable anymore, but we're doing well financially. We have our own apartment now, which is pretty nice and not too terribly pricey. The landlord is a wonderful woman who even gave us some furniture and a crib that she no longer had need of. She's allowing us to use her internet for only a little bit extra money a month too, and she's always helpful with any problems we have. I really can't complain much.
Babygirl is still being a terror. i think she just has a horrible case of cabin fever as we wait for winter to end. Hopefully she'll be easier to manage once warm weather arrives and i can take her outside to wear herself out every day. I'm missing the outdoors too. It's just been too miserably cold to even think of going outside anytime it's not absolutely necessary this winter. I'm not a fan of cold at all. Spring needs to hurry up!
Ana has calmed down with her nagging since i found out i'm pregnant, but she's still here from time to time, condemning me for giving into unhealthy cravings and telling me i'll never lose the weight i'm going to put on with this pregnancy. I usually just tell her to shut up...but it does worry me a bit. Though, people are telling me that i still look really small for being 4 months along, especially with twins. I don't know if i believe them or not... I feel huge.
I miss you all... and i shall try to catch up on your blogs and stay caught up now that i have my own space to do so. Love to you all!

Oh Dear....

Well, i broke down and went to the Emergency Room to find out what was up with my stomach... And i found out all right. Are you sitting down? I'm pregnant.... To my ex-husband.... With twins! Yeah. How crazy is that? My ex hubby and i were talking about fixing our marraige before Gaige stepped into the picture, and well...things happened. I didn't think anything of it, but the date of conception matches up with him. I've told him and Gaige both, and both say they're willing to stay with me through it all, but i honestly feel that i should do it with my husband. Before i found out i was pregnant, i was having second thoughts about being with Gaige. He never wants to hang out with me and Babygirl. He always wants her to have a babysitter, and just have one on one time with me, which is cool once in a while, but not all the time. And i'd been thinking of my husband a lot. There's a big part of me that still very much loves him, regardless of how much he pisses me off from time to time. All of this is such a terrifying endeavor... I'm still digesting the fact that i'm preggers, let alone with TWO! My mind is all jumbled, and i really wonder if any of this post will make sense to anyone. I love you all so much. Please give me your input on my decision, and give me your love and support in this ridiculousness that is my life.

Plan of Attack

Just had a half hour conversation with my one friend who had similar stomach issues to what i'm currently dealing with, and the doctors were no help to him either. He told me how he fixed it himself, and it's actually something Ana is very agreeable with. Hold me accountable to stick to this plan, please. Kick my ass and send me hatemail if i don't stick with it, please. I mean it.

All liquid diet for one week. Mainly focusing on broths.
Slowly adding in bland solid foods (toast, crackers, etc.) after that first week is finished.
Sticking with mainly liquid and a few bland solids until feeling 100% better.
Still taking acid reducer meds, but in less quantity, as that is probably messing up my digestive system at the moment.

Still Sick

But on the positive side, i'm still alive. Can't eat anything other than toast without getting sick shortly afterwards. This shit is miserable, so miserable that i haven't even bothered weighing myself in the past week. Went to the doctor, and was told nothing that i didn't already know. "It could be an ovarian cyst, something wrong with your pancreas, or an ulcer, but you'd have to go through testing to find out which." I can't afford testing, especially since i haven't been able to work at all this past week. Babygirl doesn't appreciate momma being sick either. I think it makes her kind of mad that mommy can't play with her as much as usual. I feel awful for it. Ant thoughts on what i should do? Because i'm at wits end, and i'm so tired of being sick... any help would be wonderful. Love to all.

I apologize for being absent for so long. I've been nothing but sick for the past two weeks, and that whole raw food diet idea didn't happen because i was too sick to find the motivation to go to the store to get said foods, but i really haven't eaten much of anything other than toast (which is the only thing that doesn't make me sick, apparently), so Ana really can't bitch too much. ...except for when i go on those Fuck-It-All-I-Need-To-Taste-Something binges where i eat everything that sounds good and then involuntarily lose it anyway. I plan to call a doctor tomorrow and set up an appointment to get this ridiculousness figured out and fixed directly. Stick with me, ladies, i'll be back as soon as i can. Love you all.

In Sickness And In Health

I stared into the depth of the porcelain god's mouth, my stomach churning miserably, waiting for the next onset of vomiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. My impatience took hold and my finger slid down my throat, just to get it over with faster. Mia clapped, the background noise to my retching. "Get the fuck outta here," i whispered to her as soon as i had the chance to breathe. "This is no place for you. I'm not doing this voluntarily."
"Or are you?" she asked. "It could be your body subconsciously taking over and telling you that you need me."
I shook my head violently, which caused another upheaval. It couldn't really be that, could it? She didn't have a point; no, that was ridiculous... but somehow, for the past week, i did always throw up after i ate anything, though i didn't mean to. "No, it's just an ulcer or something of the sort," i murmured to myself, pretending that i knew what i was talking about as the room spun dizzily out of control and i laid down next to the toilet, shivering on the cold tile floor.
I heard a sharp cracking sound to my right, where Mia had been standing. I tried to open my eyes, but couldn't manage to do so, so i just listened. Ana was here now, telling Mia to get away from her girl. Normally, i would have protested that i wasn't a possession to be claimed by either of them, but i was too weak and exhausted to say a word. I heard Mia walking slowly away, sniffling. Ana must have slapped her really good to get her to give up so easily. Then Ana was by my side, rubbing my back with her bony hands. "There, there," she crooned, covering me with a nice warm blanket, "it'll all be all right. We'll get you back on track. Fluids only for today, and then after that, nothing but raw foods until you start feeling a bit better. Hang in there. We'll get you all fixed up."
I didn't know if her plan sounded like a good one or a terrible one, but i was in no position for an argument, or even a simple analogy to see if it was worthy of an argument. I just nodded and wrapped the blanket tightly around my shoulders.

...Today is water only day. I'm not sick all the time; only directly after i eat, and until all i've eaten is gone. Tomorrow i guess i'm eating nothing but raw foods for as long as possible. Wish me luck and health...

New Years Resolutions

1.) no more painkillers. i'm done with that addiction, and will not let myself fall back into it.
2.) one meal a day is more than enough. the plan is to put myself into a new years day food coma, and be ok with that because after today, there will be one meal a day. occasional exceptions because of unavoidable situations are ok, but 90% of the time, one meal a day.
3.) be more active. all i do all day every day is lounge on the couch until i have to go to work. Gaige and i went hiking the other day and it was the most fun, exhilarating thing i've done in a long time. that needs to happen more often. maybe if i get out and do more, i won't be so damn tired all the time.
4.) be a better mommy for my babygirl. i get frustrated over stupid little things that really shouldn't bother me at all. that needs to stop. i also need to tap into my inner child and get down on the ground, in the dirt, and play and explore with her more. her life is fun; and i need to make myself a bigger part of that fun. less tv time, and more playtime.
5.) no more cigarettes... i'm skeptical of myself on this one. i've quit so many times and picked it right back up again, but i've really got to stop. my lung capacity is suffering. i can do it if i believe in myself...but that might be the hardest part.
6.) do something to better myself. i need to find something and just jump in, headfirst, to make my life better. maybe college. maybe modelling. maybe something else, but i'll find something.


Share your new years resolutions with me in comments. Love to all!