I'm so sorry i haven't posted in so long. I'd make the excuses that my internet access has been limited, and i've been busy, and being on here is triggering...but it's all bullshit, even though it's true. I could have found a way to write regardless of circumstances if i had only tried. I've missed you all terribly, really i have, and i have so much to tell you. That's probably another reason why i haven't posted in so long: i don't know where to begin with all that has happened. I suppose the beginning would be a good place to start, huh? Ok, here goes: i'll try to keep it short and informative...
My husband and i are no longer together. We split shortly after Christmas. It's not entirely his fault. It's mine just as much as it is his. Reasons are irrelevant and too personal and painful to go into detail on. So let's just leave it at that and be done with that subject.
Shortly after we split, i dated someone... let's just call him Quinn... for a month or so, but we were both in denial about it all the entire time because there was a huge age difference, and we both felt as if i had moved on from my husband too fast. While Quinn and i were still dating and questioning it, someone else came along and swept me off my feet.
Perhaps it was his glorious blue eyes, perhaps it was his intelligence, perhaps it was his fearless persona, perhaps it was how easily my daughter took a liking to him, or perhaps it was a combination of all of those things, but i fell for him hard and fast. We shall call him Scott. So, i told Quinn that i didn't think we should be together, and moved on to Scott just like that. Perhaps a bit fast, and slut-tastic, but i felt as if it was a wise decision at the time. Scott and i got a lovely little apartment together right away, and everything went splendidly for the first 2 months. Then he began to be controlling and accusatory, constantly telling me of his fear that i was cheating on him even though he had me at his side at all times. Now, in his defense, he did not mean to be controlling, and i can't blame a man for wondering if his girl is cheating on him when her occupation is pole dancing at a local strip club.... I should have said something to him, and i'm sure we could have put the issues to rest, but instead i reverted to a horrible mixture of anorexia and bulimia, mainly bulimia, to try to get my life back under my control. I never even knew i was capable of bulimia until that month. I hid it well. Scott never had a clue, but i felt it tearing my body apart. My heart raced from simply walking up the steps in our apartment. My entire skeletal system felt weak, and every muscle in my body ached constantly. So instead of calmly talking through the issues with Scott, i ran like a scared little bitch. Told him we couldn't be together because he was controlling, and asked him to leave despite his tears and promises that he could fix it, change for me, and make everything better if i'd only stay with him.
That same night, i was back with Quinn. I rushed that far too much. He seemed like a fit comfort zone, and a wonderful individual to me that night... Ignore the fact that i was drunk when i made the decision to move him in to the apartment with me, and it all seemed perfectly logical, right? Oh it was awful. Quinn was always angry, not necessarily at me, but still always angry, and i knew my daughter was merely an inconvenience to him. It lasted a month, with my bulimic anorexia still raging, despite his attempts to force food at me constantly. Then i couldn't take his childish anger spells any more and told him i didn't want a relationship with anyone, which was very true. As i spoke to him, i watched his hands ball into fists and he stormed upstairs. That was when i bolted. I have been in too many abusive relationships to see someone so agitated and stay around. He attempted suicide that night. I still partially blame myself, but i refuse to speak to him since then because i can't have his drama in my life.
I was single for a week, but every night i worked, Scott was at the club. Seeing his beauty, wishing for his touch, wanting to break down and cry every time i noticed his eyes on me, was just too much. Then he approached me. "Will you dance for me if i sit at the stage while you are on?" I couldn't turn him down. I'd loved him the entire time we were apart and wished i would have just listened to his pleas to work through the problems. As i danced for him, i shook terribly, feeling like a single leaf in a windstorm of emotion, then he whispered "I still love you," and i melted completely. That night i went home with him, and we talked through all the problems there had been. He promised to change, to help me.
And he has done so. He really has. We've been back together for a little over a month now, and he's been wonderful. I haven't been eating much...but i haven't been throwing up either. He lifts me up rather than tears me down, and my daughter is so glad to have him back in her life.
I did have to quit my job, however. It was wearing on him, and on me as well. I hated lying to people constantly and making men think their wallet could win my love. He hated seeing my attention devoted to other men, even though i was coming home to him at the end of the night. I really didn't mind quitting. I was so burnt out on it after doing it for a year anyway. A job like that is not meant for anyone who has a heart. I couldn't deal with it anymore; he just gave me more reason than my own selfish need to quit. I have another job now. At a terrible little restaurant, working for minimum wage plus tips, but it's better than nothing, i suppose. We're broke as hell, and i'm living with my parents while he lives with his sister, but we are happy with the love we have, and i am as mentally stable as i think i ever will be.
That wasn't short at all...but it was abbreviated from what it could have been... Thank you so much if you have cared enough to read this far. I promise to keep in touch more, and post more often. Tomorrow i shall try to catch up on the blogs i follow, and make another post, preferably in story form, as that seems to be what everyone appreciates most. Sending my love out to all of you who follow me.
