Yes, food babIES cuz it's definitely twins. Ugh. Waaay too many cookies and other deliciousness yesterday. Ana fucking HATES me for it. Gaige complimented me a million times though and said i was beyond sexy... maybe he's into chubby chicks. Ha! Too bad i'm not! I'm gonna drop whatever it is that i've gained from yesterday (haven't figured out how much it is yet. that scale looks terrifying right now.) within the week. I'm sure Ana will kick my ass right into shape now that the holiday is past. We're going to go shopping for some workout equipment and perhaps a workout video today. That's what's happening with my Christmas money. Speaking of which, Gaige's mom gave me a $25 gift card! I was not expecting that since we've only been dating for like 3 weeks, and i've met her twice. Not complaining though. I'm really glad she approves.
Sorry this is all so rambly and sporadic. Too much coffee in my system now... But yesterday was wonderful, aside from all the food consumption. Babygirl was so happy with all her new toys, and i was ridiculously happy with all of my gifts as well. My gram got me a gift card to go to the chiropractor! That's like the best gift EVER! I've been needing that for over a year now. Gram knows me too well sometimes. What made me most happy was how happy everyone was with the gifts i got them, and that my Babygirl loved all of her gifts from everyone. Life is good. --Fuck off, Ana; don't interrupt the good vibe by reminding me that i'm fat!
Thanks to Peri, i'm now following a few new people, so i'll be catching up on those blogs very directly and getting back in the blog circle. Love and happiness to all who read my rambles. *Mwah*
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Fuck This Place
"Everything i do is wrong in their eyes," i whispered to my baby girl, nodding out to the living room where my parents were still complaining in hushed tones that they thought i could not overhear.
She looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and patted my cheek with her chubby little hand. "Don't cry, Mommy."
I couldn't help it. The tears were flowing freely though i didn't even really know why. What my parents thought of me really shouldn't have such a negative effect upon me. I should be used to it by now. All i'd ever been to them was the black sheep that fucked everything up.
"Psssst!" the familiar voice hissing from the closet made the tears come even more violently.
Babygirl was very worried by this, though i knew she couldn't hear the voice, and ran out of the room to announce to the entire house "Mommy cries!"
"Get the fuck out of here, Ana!" i whispered as soon as my daughter was out of the room.
"No, i think you're in need of me right about now," she returned, appearing from the closet. "Maybe your parents wouldn't think you such a fuck up if you weren't eating all their food at this point."
"I. Said. Go."
She shook her head. "You need me. You know i can fix everything."
"Or make it worse, like you always do."
"Hmph!" she snorted. "I do not." She offered me a knife. "This might help you as well."
I jumped away from her, startled. "No!" I hadn't even thought of cutting in nearly a year. "Get that out of here!" I was more frightened by how appealing it sounded. "This house is poison," i whispered. "It's where your hold on me is strongest, and where all of my past issues come back to haunt me."
She only laughed that magical laugh. "Poison, huh? I think i'm quite good for you."
I didn't know what to think... I only sat in silence, listening to my parents' hushed conversation. My father now slandering anyone who would consider going to college... what a coincidence that i had just begun considering it. I'd never heard him make such comments before. Everything i did really was wrong in his eyes. I wasn't just being overdramatic.. What the hell was i supposed to do?
"Ok, bitch," i said, glaring at Ana's skeletal frame that stood in front of me, "make me perfect, but get that fucking knife out of here."
She nodded with a satisfied smile. "Deal."
She looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and patted my cheek with her chubby little hand. "Don't cry, Mommy."
I couldn't help it. The tears were flowing freely though i didn't even really know why. What my parents thought of me really shouldn't have such a negative effect upon me. I should be used to it by now. All i'd ever been to them was the black sheep that fucked everything up.
"Psssst!" the familiar voice hissing from the closet made the tears come even more violently.
Babygirl was very worried by this, though i knew she couldn't hear the voice, and ran out of the room to announce to the entire house "Mommy cries!"
"Get the fuck out of here, Ana!" i whispered as soon as my daughter was out of the room.
"No, i think you're in need of me right about now," she returned, appearing from the closet. "Maybe your parents wouldn't think you such a fuck up if you weren't eating all their food at this point."
"I. Said. Go."
She shook her head. "You need me. You know i can fix everything."
"Or make it worse, like you always do."
"Hmph!" she snorted. "I do not." She offered me a knife. "This might help you as well."
I jumped away from her, startled. "No!" I hadn't even thought of cutting in nearly a year. "Get that out of here!" I was more frightened by how appealing it sounded. "This house is poison," i whispered. "It's where your hold on me is strongest, and where all of my past issues come back to haunt me."
She only laughed that magical laugh. "Poison, huh? I think i'm quite good for you."
I didn't know what to think... I only sat in silence, listening to my parents' hushed conversation. My father now slandering anyone who would consider going to college... what a coincidence that i had just begun considering it. I'd never heard him make such comments before. Everything i did really was wrong in his eyes. I wasn't just being overdramatic.. What the hell was i supposed to do?
"Ok, bitch," i said, glaring at Ana's skeletal frame that stood in front of me, "make me perfect, but get that fucking knife out of here."
She nodded with a satisfied smile. "Deal."
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Title? Who does that shit?!
"She's pounding on the door
She's crawling on the floor
Oh, she's so coy...
She's scratching on the walls
She's clawing at the gauze
She's so coy...
She's gnawing on the ropes
She's pulling at the hooks
She's so coy...
Oh, you know she wants it
The way that she taunts me
Damn, she's so coy...
It's the Apex Predator
With a sermon for the listener
Seduce & Destroy..."
She's crawling on the floor
Oh, she's so coy...
She's scratching on the walls
She's clawing at the gauze
She's so coy...
She's gnawing on the ropes
She's pulling at the hooks
She's so coy...
Oh, you know she wants it
The way that she taunts me
Damn, she's so coy...
It's the Apex Predator
With a sermon for the listener
Seduce & Destroy..."
-Otep: Apex Predator
Ugh! I have reached binge cycle! What the fuck?! I haven't done that in forever, and now all i've wanted to do for the past 3 days is eat. Fortunately purging hasn't really been on my mind...but now that you mention it... No, no, no. I can't do that again. I won't do that again.
I really need to get back in the swing of things. I was doing such a good job at losing weight... and then i don't even know what happened. We'll blame Gaige. He makes me feel beautiful too often. Speaking of which, he's still wonderful... I won't go into details as of now though, because i'm pretty sure my love life just bores the fuck out of you all.
I miss being on here every day, but with the little lady running around and never napping anymore, it's not really possible. :\ Right now she's out there tearing apart my pen... Destructive little brat! I love her. Haha! Love to you all, and hopefully i can find some time to catch up on reading your blogs. Leave me comments and love; i live on that shit. xoxo
Friday, December 6, 2013
Oh Look, It's Storytime with Lilith...
My life has gone a bit crazy in the past few days... You know how i said i was talking to my ex-husband about fixing things between us and getting back together? ...yeah... Does it make me a fuck up if i completely unintentionally met someone else who really sparked my interest? He's my best friend's boyfriend's friend... wow that sounds kind of
complicated when i put it that way, but you get the picture. We'll call him Gaige. I don't know what it is about him... but i was kind of drawn to him from the first time i saw him. I tried to ignore it and stay away from him though, because everyone knows nothing good ever comes of romance. However, the bestie, noticed the hidden spark and decided she needed to set us up to at least talk to each other, so she asked me to go out with her to a local bar for "wing night". 49 cent wings? Hell yeah, i'm down for that! Little did i know it wasn't just me and her going. Her boyfriend, Gaige, and another of her man's friends were coming too.
I thought nothing of it. We got to the bar and all sat down. Bestie's boyfriend made sure he sat next to her, so i sat across from her and Gaige sat next to me. I thought nothing of that either. We all ordered our drinks and Bestie decided she needed me to go to the bathroom with her because she wasn't sure where it was. On the way, she leaned over close and asked me, "So... you like Gaige, don't you?"
I jumped. "You read me too well. I thought i was doing a great job at hiding that."
"It's what best friends do," she said with a shrug.
We used the bathroom and returned to the table. For some reason, Bestie's comment made me a little bit braver. Maybe it was just a "fuck it, everyone probably knows already" kind of thing, but i started talking to Gaige. Nothing extremely interesting, just the normal small talk, yet somehow it made me like him more. Halfway through the meal, Bestie leaned across the table and whispered, "He likes you too."
I just glared at her...but with a little bit of a smile.
The waitress came over with our checks, and Gaige, out of nowhere, said, "I've got hers."
I was shocked. "A...are you sure?"
He nodded.
Do you know how long it's been since someone bought me a meal? A long time.
Then we all went back to Bestie's house to chill for the rest of the evening. We started drinking... well, Bestie and i did. The men had a few drinks, but not nearly as many as we did. I ended up staying the night because Bestie needed a ride to a job interview in the morning. Gaige ended up staying the night...because...he wanted to? Haha. I have no idea why he stayed, but we wound up cuddling and talking and just goofing off all night. It was wonderful. Then all day the next day, we cuddled and talked and goofed off. Wednesday evening before i went into work, we met up cuddled and talked and picked on each other some more. Same deal last night. It's wonderful. He's the first man in quite some time that's made me feel like i'm more than just a piece of meat (my ex-husband included). He's got this way of looking at me that just makes me feel like we're communicating beyond words. It scares the shit out of me, but i feel like it just might be worth the risk...
Ok, enough of that romantic crap. On the Ana front, she's not taking complete control of me again, so don't worry. My stomach however, has been acting weird. I accidentally (and i really do mean completely accidentally, not the bullshit line we give everyone) forgot to eat anything at all all day on tuesday, and ever since then, my stomach has decided it doesn't like food. I get heartburn when i eat anything, and can only manage small portions. What the fuck, body?! But it has made me lose 6 pounds in 2 days, so i guess i really shouldn't complain. I have yet to start an ab workout... Ugh. Gotta get off my lazy butt and make that happen.
I love you ladies, thanks for reading all my ridiculous rambles.
I thought nothing of it. We got to the bar and all sat down. Bestie's boyfriend made sure he sat next to her, so i sat across from her and Gaige sat next to me. I thought nothing of that either. We all ordered our drinks and Bestie decided she needed me to go to the bathroom with her because she wasn't sure where it was. On the way, she leaned over close and asked me, "So... you like Gaige, don't you?"
I jumped. "You read me too well. I thought i was doing a great job at hiding that."
"It's what best friends do," she said with a shrug.
We used the bathroom and returned to the table. For some reason, Bestie's comment made me a little bit braver. Maybe it was just a "fuck it, everyone probably knows already" kind of thing, but i started talking to Gaige. Nothing extremely interesting, just the normal small talk, yet somehow it made me like him more. Halfway through the meal, Bestie leaned across the table and whispered, "He likes you too."
I just glared at her...but with a little bit of a smile.
The waitress came over with our checks, and Gaige, out of nowhere, said, "I've got hers."
I was shocked. "A...are you sure?"
He nodded.
Do you know how long it's been since someone bought me a meal? A long time.
Then we all went back to Bestie's house to chill for the rest of the evening. We started drinking... well, Bestie and i did. The men had a few drinks, but not nearly as many as we did. I ended up staying the night because Bestie needed a ride to a job interview in the morning. Gaige ended up staying the night...because...he wanted to? Haha. I have no idea why he stayed, but we wound up cuddling and talking and just goofing off all night. It was wonderful. Then all day the next day, we cuddled and talked and goofed off. Wednesday evening before i went into work, we met up cuddled and talked and picked on each other some more. Same deal last night. It's wonderful. He's the first man in quite some time that's made me feel like i'm more than just a piece of meat (my ex-husband included). He's got this way of looking at me that just makes me feel like we're communicating beyond words. It scares the shit out of me, but i feel like it just might be worth the risk...
Ok, enough of that romantic crap. On the Ana front, she's not taking complete control of me again, so don't worry. My stomach however, has been acting weird. I accidentally (and i really do mean completely accidentally, not the bullshit line we give everyone) forgot to eat anything at all all day on tuesday, and ever since then, my stomach has decided it doesn't like food. I get heartburn when i eat anything, and can only manage small portions. What the fuck, body?! But it has made me lose 6 pounds in 2 days, so i guess i really shouldn't complain. I have yet to start an ab workout... Ugh. Gotta get off my lazy butt and make that happen.
I love you ladies, thanks for reading all my ridiculous rambles.
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