Who Am I?

"You know, your stomach wouldn't hurt if you hadn't eaten so much yesterday," Ana's familliar voice, both lovely and appalling in the same sentence, whispered in my ear.
I moaned and managed to roll over to see her without uncurling myself from the fetal position. There she was, in all her emaciated glory, every bone in her body trying to rip through her paper-thin, pale flesh. She was so thin and sickly looking that she was ugly.... yet beautiful at the same time in some sort of twisted way. "I really didn't eat that much," i said, unable to take my eyes away from her. She simultaneously inspired so much awe and horror in me that i had no idea what to do with her.
"The hell you didn't! You had 1,168 Calories!"
"I don't want to fight with you, Ana," i muttered.
She put her hands on her hips... or the absence thereof, and sighed. "Well, then you shouldn't have eaten in the first place, and you certainly should have exercised." Her tone was more patronizing than i'd ever heard it before.
"Look, i don't want to be nothing but skin and bones! And that's all you want from me! The amount of Calories i ate yesterday is less than what a normal person's intake should be, and i want to be normal! I want you in my life, yes, but i don't want you to control my life!" I stopped abruptly there, for i realized i'd been yelling.
"I thought you didn't want to fight."
I sat up slowly, wincing as my stomach rumbled. It really did hurt because of how much i'd eaten. I hadn't been eating much of anything for the past week. Yesterday was when my resolve to eat like a "normal" person had kicked back in, and trying to jump into it so quickly had been a bad plan. "Don't avoid the main issue, Ana, please," i said softly.
"You mean your food intake?" she asked in mock innocence. She knew damn well what the real issue was.
I shook my head. "Control."
She drew back as if i'd just stabbed her. "Well you work on getting that god-damned control without my control, and let me know how it goes for you." Then she stomped out of the room.
I sat alone for a moment, confused as to what i was going to do without her. Would i like it? Who was i kidding, i'd be wishing she was by my side again soon enough. How could i ever be free of that girl that i both loved and loathed so very much.

First Post

The first post is always so awkward. What all about myself should i include to make it enough information, but not so much as to bore my poor readers right at the first post?! I'll keep it short and sweet: i used to have a different username and a different blog that was very Pro Ana, but too many people i know personally found it and continued to read it, therefore i didn't feel like i had the private getaway my blog provided before those people discovered it. I'm trying to recover from my eating disorder issues, which i might add, were not anorexia, despite my pro ana tags. I've never claimed to suffer from anorexia. I suffered from EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), and now i wish to rid myself of those problems for the sake of my one year old daughter...and for myself really. I still have slip-ups though, and for weeks at a time will fall back into the anti-food pro-ana cycle, so do forgive me for that. Follow me if you will, and perhaps you can unriddle the mystery of what name i used to blog under.