Laziness

"Lazy bitch," Ana accused.
"Get lost," i responded without looking up from my book.
"You ought to be working out while your little one is napping. What other opportunity do you expect to have today?"
I shrugged. "None, probably, but i hurt today. This bi-polar weather is not being kind to me." I continued to read... until she snatched the book from my hand and slammed it shut with a resounding thump. "Now who's a bitch?" i asked apathetically.
"The least you could do is the housework that you've been putting off since Tuesday," she grumbled.
"No one said you had to live here."
"Yeah, no one except you. You're always telling me to leave only to beg me to come back the next day."
I rolled my eyes. I knew she was right....but that didn't mean i was going to admit it. With a sigh i arose from my comfortable position on the couch, getting ready to do the cleaning that i knew needed done. That was when i heard yell from my daughter's bedroom. She was awake.
"Well, it looks like you've missed your chance. No food for you today," Ana said with a smirk.
"Fuck off," i murmured and made sure she had left before i retrieved my daughter.

Confusion

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm hitting another depression, which means i either eat everything or nothing. I don't particularly want to do either. I want to eat like a normal person, not binge or starve. Then Ana creeps in, and tells me the only option is to starve because i can't eat everything and get fat.
My life, too, is confusing. I love my husband...but i don't know if he loves me anymore. He goes through phases. Sometimes he's really really lovey, and other times it seems like i don't exist. We have discussions all the time about fixing things and going back to the way we used to be. And it works! ...for two days after the discussion, and then it goes back to hell. I don't really know what to do about it. This has been going on for months.
Sorry, this rant should have at least been in story form...

This Sums up Everything I Feel Right Now.

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said
'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
Because I know that I'm a mess that he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving, it works, when it costs too much to love

Who Am I?

"You know, your stomach wouldn't hurt if you hadn't eaten so much yesterday," Ana's familliar voice, both lovely and appalling in the same sentence, whispered in my ear.
I moaned and managed to roll over to see her without uncurling myself from the fetal position. There she was, in all her emaciated glory, every bone in her body trying to rip through her paper-thin, pale flesh. She was so thin and sickly looking that she was ugly.... yet beautiful at the same time in some sort of twisted way. "I really didn't eat that much," i said, unable to take my eyes away from her. She simultaneously inspired so much awe and horror in me that i had no idea what to do with her.
"The hell you didn't! You had 1,168 Calories!"
"I don't want to fight with you, Ana," i muttered.
She put her hands on her hips... or the absence thereof, and sighed. "Well, then you shouldn't have eaten in the first place, and you certainly should have exercised." Her tone was more patronizing than i'd ever heard it before.
"Look, i don't want to be nothing but skin and bones! And that's all you want from me! The amount of Calories i ate yesterday is less than what a normal person's intake should be, and i want to be normal! I want you in my life, yes, but i don't want you to control my life!" I stopped abruptly there, for i realized i'd been yelling.
"I thought you didn't want to fight."
I sat up slowly, wincing as my stomach rumbled. It really did hurt because of how much i'd eaten. I hadn't been eating much of anything for the past week. Yesterday was when my resolve to eat like a "normal" person had kicked back in, and trying to jump into it so quickly had been a bad plan. "Don't avoid the main issue, Ana, please," i said softly.
"You mean your food intake?" she asked in mock innocence. She knew damn well what the real issue was.
I shook my head. "Control."
She drew back as if i'd just stabbed her. "Well you work on getting that god-damned control without my control, and let me know how it goes for you." Then she stomped out of the room.
I sat alone for a moment, confused as to what i was going to do without her. Would i like it? Who was i kidding, i'd be wishing she was by my side again soon enough. How could i ever be free of that girl that i both loved and loathed so very much.

First Post

The first post is always so awkward. What all about myself should i include to make it enough information, but not so much as to bore my poor readers right at the first post?! I'll keep it short and sweet: i used to have a different username and a different blog that was very Pro Ana, but too many people i know personally found it and continued to read it, therefore i didn't feel like i had the private getaway my blog provided before those people discovered it. I'm trying to recover from my eating disorder issues, which i might add, were not anorexia, despite my pro ana tags. I've never claimed to suffer from anorexia. I suffered from EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), and now i wish to rid myself of those problems for the sake of my one year old daughter...and for myself really. I still have slip-ups though, and for weeks at a time will fall back into the anti-food pro-ana cycle, so do forgive me for that. Follow me if you will, and perhaps you can unriddle the mystery of what name i used to blog under.