Yes, food babIES cuz it's definitely twins. Ugh. Waaay too many cookies and other deliciousness yesterday. Ana fucking HATES me for it. Gaige complimented me a million times though and said i was beyond sexy... maybe he's into chubby chicks. Ha! Too bad i'm not! I'm gonna drop whatever it is that i've gained from yesterday (haven't figured out how much it is yet. that scale looks terrifying right now.) within the week. I'm sure Ana will kick my ass right into shape now that the holiday is past. We're going to go shopping for some workout equipment and perhaps a workout video today. That's what's happening with my Christmas money. Speaking of which, Gaige's mom gave me a $25 gift card! I was not expecting that since we've only been dating for like 3 weeks, and i've met her twice. Not complaining though. I'm really glad she approves.
Sorry this is all so rambly and sporadic. Too much coffee in my system now... But yesterday was wonderful, aside from all the food consumption. Babygirl was so happy with all her new toys, and i was ridiculously happy with all of my gifts as well. My gram got me a gift card to go to the chiropractor! That's like the best gift EVER! I've been needing that for over a year now. Gram knows me too well sometimes. What made me most happy was how happy everyone was with the gifts i got them, and that my Babygirl loved all of her gifts from everyone. Life is good. --Fuck off, Ana; don't interrupt the good vibe by reminding me that i'm fat!
Thanks to Peri, i'm now following a few new people, so i'll be catching up on those blogs very directly and getting back in the blog circle. Love and happiness to all who read my rambles. *Mwah*
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Fuck This Place
"Everything i do is wrong in their eyes," i whispered to my baby girl, nodding out to the living room where my parents were still complaining in hushed tones that they thought i could not overhear.
She looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and patted my cheek with her chubby little hand. "Don't cry, Mommy."
I couldn't help it. The tears were flowing freely though i didn't even really know why. What my parents thought of me really shouldn't have such a negative effect upon me. I should be used to it by now. All i'd ever been to them was the black sheep that fucked everything up.
"Psssst!" the familiar voice hissing from the closet made the tears come even more violently.
Babygirl was very worried by this, though i knew she couldn't hear the voice, and ran out of the room to announce to the entire house "Mommy cries!"
"Get the fuck out of here, Ana!" i whispered as soon as my daughter was out of the room.
"No, i think you're in need of me right about now," she returned, appearing from the closet. "Maybe your parents wouldn't think you such a fuck up if you weren't eating all their food at this point."
"I. Said. Go."
She shook her head. "You need me. You know i can fix everything."
"Or make it worse, like you always do."
"Hmph!" she snorted. "I do not." She offered me a knife. "This might help you as well."
I jumped away from her, startled. "No!" I hadn't even thought of cutting in nearly a year. "Get that out of here!" I was more frightened by how appealing it sounded. "This house is poison," i whispered. "It's where your hold on me is strongest, and where all of my past issues come back to haunt me."
She only laughed that magical laugh. "Poison, huh? I think i'm quite good for you."
I didn't know what to think... I only sat in silence, listening to my parents' hushed conversation. My father now slandering anyone who would consider going to college... what a coincidence that i had just begun considering it. I'd never heard him make such comments before. Everything i did really was wrong in his eyes. I wasn't just being overdramatic.. What the hell was i supposed to do?
"Ok, bitch," i said, glaring at Ana's skeletal frame that stood in front of me, "make me perfect, but get that fucking knife out of here."
She nodded with a satisfied smile. "Deal."
She looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and patted my cheek with her chubby little hand. "Don't cry, Mommy."
I couldn't help it. The tears were flowing freely though i didn't even really know why. What my parents thought of me really shouldn't have such a negative effect upon me. I should be used to it by now. All i'd ever been to them was the black sheep that fucked everything up.
"Psssst!" the familiar voice hissing from the closet made the tears come even more violently.
Babygirl was very worried by this, though i knew she couldn't hear the voice, and ran out of the room to announce to the entire house "Mommy cries!"
"Get the fuck out of here, Ana!" i whispered as soon as my daughter was out of the room.
"No, i think you're in need of me right about now," she returned, appearing from the closet. "Maybe your parents wouldn't think you such a fuck up if you weren't eating all their food at this point."
"I. Said. Go."
She shook her head. "You need me. You know i can fix everything."
"Or make it worse, like you always do."
"Hmph!" she snorted. "I do not." She offered me a knife. "This might help you as well."
I jumped away from her, startled. "No!" I hadn't even thought of cutting in nearly a year. "Get that out of here!" I was more frightened by how appealing it sounded. "This house is poison," i whispered. "It's where your hold on me is strongest, and where all of my past issues come back to haunt me."
She only laughed that magical laugh. "Poison, huh? I think i'm quite good for you."
I didn't know what to think... I only sat in silence, listening to my parents' hushed conversation. My father now slandering anyone who would consider going to college... what a coincidence that i had just begun considering it. I'd never heard him make such comments before. Everything i did really was wrong in his eyes. I wasn't just being overdramatic.. What the hell was i supposed to do?
"Ok, bitch," i said, glaring at Ana's skeletal frame that stood in front of me, "make me perfect, but get that fucking knife out of here."
She nodded with a satisfied smile. "Deal."
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Title? Who does that shit?!
"She's pounding on the door
She's crawling on the floor
Oh, she's so coy...
She's scratching on the walls
She's clawing at the gauze
She's so coy...
She's gnawing on the ropes
She's pulling at the hooks
She's so coy...
Oh, you know she wants it
The way that she taunts me
Damn, she's so coy...
It's the Apex Predator
With a sermon for the listener
Seduce & Destroy..."
She's crawling on the floor
Oh, she's so coy...
She's scratching on the walls
She's clawing at the gauze
She's so coy...
She's gnawing on the ropes
She's pulling at the hooks
She's so coy...
Oh, you know she wants it
The way that she taunts me
Damn, she's so coy...
It's the Apex Predator
With a sermon for the listener
Seduce & Destroy..."
-Otep: Apex Predator
Ugh! I have reached binge cycle! What the fuck?! I haven't done that in forever, and now all i've wanted to do for the past 3 days is eat. Fortunately purging hasn't really been on my mind...but now that you mention it... No, no, no. I can't do that again. I won't do that again.
I really need to get back in the swing of things. I was doing such a good job at losing weight... and then i don't even know what happened. We'll blame Gaige. He makes me feel beautiful too often. Speaking of which, he's still wonderful... I won't go into details as of now though, because i'm pretty sure my love life just bores the fuck out of you all.
I miss being on here every day, but with the little lady running around and never napping anymore, it's not really possible. :\ Right now she's out there tearing apart my pen... Destructive little brat! I love her. Haha! Love to you all, and hopefully i can find some time to catch up on reading your blogs. Leave me comments and love; i live on that shit. xoxo
Friday, December 6, 2013
Oh Look, It's Storytime with Lilith...
My life has gone a bit crazy in the past few days... You know how i said i was talking to my ex-husband about fixing things between us and getting back together? ...yeah... Does it make me a fuck up if i completely unintentionally met someone else who really sparked my interest? He's my best friend's boyfriend's friend... wow that sounds kind of
complicated when i put it that way, but you get the picture. We'll call him Gaige. I don't know what it is about him... but i was kind of drawn to him from the first time i saw him. I tried to ignore it and stay away from him though, because everyone knows nothing good ever comes of romance. However, the bestie, noticed the hidden spark and decided she needed to set us up to at least talk to each other, so she asked me to go out with her to a local bar for "wing night". 49 cent wings? Hell yeah, i'm down for that! Little did i know it wasn't just me and her going. Her boyfriend, Gaige, and another of her man's friends were coming too.
I thought nothing of it. We got to the bar and all sat down. Bestie's boyfriend made sure he sat next to her, so i sat across from her and Gaige sat next to me. I thought nothing of that either. We all ordered our drinks and Bestie decided she needed me to go to the bathroom with her because she wasn't sure where it was. On the way, she leaned over close and asked me, "So... you like Gaige, don't you?"
I jumped. "You read me too well. I thought i was doing a great job at hiding that."
"It's what best friends do," she said with a shrug.
We used the bathroom and returned to the table. For some reason, Bestie's comment made me a little bit braver. Maybe it was just a "fuck it, everyone probably knows already" kind of thing, but i started talking to Gaige. Nothing extremely interesting, just the normal small talk, yet somehow it made me like him more. Halfway through the meal, Bestie leaned across the table and whispered, "He likes you too."
I just glared at her...but with a little bit of a smile.
The waitress came over with our checks, and Gaige, out of nowhere, said, "I've got hers."
I was shocked. "A...are you sure?"
He nodded.
Do you know how long it's been since someone bought me a meal? A long time.
Then we all went back to Bestie's house to chill for the rest of the evening. We started drinking... well, Bestie and i did. The men had a few drinks, but not nearly as many as we did. I ended up staying the night because Bestie needed a ride to a job interview in the morning. Gaige ended up staying the night...because...he wanted to? Haha. I have no idea why he stayed, but we wound up cuddling and talking and just goofing off all night. It was wonderful. Then all day the next day, we cuddled and talked and goofed off. Wednesday evening before i went into work, we met up cuddled and talked and picked on each other some more. Same deal last night. It's wonderful. He's the first man in quite some time that's made me feel like i'm more than just a piece of meat (my ex-husband included). He's got this way of looking at me that just makes me feel like we're communicating beyond words. It scares the shit out of me, but i feel like it just might be worth the risk...
Ok, enough of that romantic crap. On the Ana front, she's not taking complete control of me again, so don't worry. My stomach however, has been acting weird. I accidentally (and i really do mean completely accidentally, not the bullshit line we give everyone) forgot to eat anything at all all day on tuesday, and ever since then, my stomach has decided it doesn't like food. I get heartburn when i eat anything, and can only manage small portions. What the fuck, body?! But it has made me lose 6 pounds in 2 days, so i guess i really shouldn't complain. I have yet to start an ab workout... Ugh. Gotta get off my lazy butt and make that happen.
I love you ladies, thanks for reading all my ridiculous rambles.
I thought nothing of it. We got to the bar and all sat down. Bestie's boyfriend made sure he sat next to her, so i sat across from her and Gaige sat next to me. I thought nothing of that either. We all ordered our drinks and Bestie decided she needed me to go to the bathroom with her because she wasn't sure where it was. On the way, she leaned over close and asked me, "So... you like Gaige, don't you?"
I jumped. "You read me too well. I thought i was doing a great job at hiding that."
"It's what best friends do," she said with a shrug.
We used the bathroom and returned to the table. For some reason, Bestie's comment made me a little bit braver. Maybe it was just a "fuck it, everyone probably knows already" kind of thing, but i started talking to Gaige. Nothing extremely interesting, just the normal small talk, yet somehow it made me like him more. Halfway through the meal, Bestie leaned across the table and whispered, "He likes you too."
I just glared at her...but with a little bit of a smile.
The waitress came over with our checks, and Gaige, out of nowhere, said, "I've got hers."
I was shocked. "A...are you sure?"
He nodded.
Do you know how long it's been since someone bought me a meal? A long time.
Then we all went back to Bestie's house to chill for the rest of the evening. We started drinking... well, Bestie and i did. The men had a few drinks, but not nearly as many as we did. I ended up staying the night because Bestie needed a ride to a job interview in the morning. Gaige ended up staying the night...because...he wanted to? Haha. I have no idea why he stayed, but we wound up cuddling and talking and just goofing off all night. It was wonderful. Then all day the next day, we cuddled and talked and goofed off. Wednesday evening before i went into work, we met up cuddled and talked and picked on each other some more. Same deal last night. It's wonderful. He's the first man in quite some time that's made me feel like i'm more than just a piece of meat (my ex-husband included). He's got this way of looking at me that just makes me feel like we're communicating beyond words. It scares the shit out of me, but i feel like it just might be worth the risk...
Ok, enough of that romantic crap. On the Ana front, she's not taking complete control of me again, so don't worry. My stomach however, has been acting weird. I accidentally (and i really do mean completely accidentally, not the bullshit line we give everyone) forgot to eat anything at all all day on tuesday, and ever since then, my stomach has decided it doesn't like food. I get heartburn when i eat anything, and can only manage small portions. What the fuck, body?! But it has made me lose 6 pounds in 2 days, so i guess i really shouldn't complain. I have yet to start an ab workout... Ugh. Gotta get off my lazy butt and make that happen.
I love you ladies, thanks for reading all my ridiculous rambles.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Plans?
Well, you know how i said i was gonna start getting my stomach back to where i want it the day after Thanksgiving? ... Yeah that was yesterday, and it so didn't happen. My best friend and i went Black Friday shopping, so i was up all of Thursday night into Friday morning, and for some reason, when i don't get enough sleep, i just end up eating all day long and doing nothing else. Fuck it, though. Today it shall begin! No excuses and no quitting. I'm doing it. You all are holding me accountable for that.
I don't really have a set plan though. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? It could be good in the sense that i can't quit and go junk food crazy the second i mess up my plan, but it could also be a bad thing because no plan pretty much means no goal to work towards. What is your experiences in this? Better with or without a solid plan? I'll gladly accept plan suggestions as well. Just remember, i don't want to go too extreme. Ana doesn't need to get full control of me again; i'm in control of her now and want to keep it that way.
Love to you all. I'll greatly appreciate comments and you all sending your friends over here to read. I really need to get back in the scene in this blogging community. I miss it, and you all so very much.
I don't really have a set plan though. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? It could be good in the sense that i can't quit and go junk food crazy the second i mess up my plan, but it could also be a bad thing because no plan pretty much means no goal to work towards. What is your experiences in this? Better with or without a solid plan? I'll gladly accept plan suggestions as well. Just remember, i don't want to go too extreme. Ana doesn't need to get full control of me again; i'm in control of her now and want to keep it that way.
Love to you all. I'll greatly appreciate comments and you all sending your friends over here to read. I really need to get back in the scene in this blogging community. I miss it, and you all so very much.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Apologies and Updates
It's been forever since i posted. My life just went absolutely crazy there for a while. Remember how Scott was supposed to not be controlling this time around and be so wonderful and fix my entire life, saving me from the strip club and everything like that? ...yeah, didn't happen. I quit working at the club, and he still accused me of cheating on him while i was at work, while i was away from him to spend the night comfortably in my own bed, etc. I really don't want to talk about it a lot. I still love him; always will, but i could not be with him. He had me seriously contemplating suicide on a daily basis. Can't do that. Therefore, i've been single for a little over a month now, and ya know what? I like it! I used to think i needed someone to be happy, but i really don't. I've got myself and my daughter to live for. Fuck the rest of the world. Maybe someday love will find me, but as of now, i'm content with what i've got.
My ex husband and i are actually on very good terms now. Friendship only, of course. I don't know, i've been considering more, but am really not certain about that. I've always loved him, but i don't wanna support him. That was the main problem we had before. *shrugs* Who knows where it'll go; i'm just taking it one day at a time.
I am back at the club, but i'm loving it. My boss is a wonderful man. He's great to go to for advice on just about anything. Dancing naked for strangers isn't all that terrible now that i don't have a man to go home to who will accuse me of sleeping with said strangers every night. In fact, it's a huge ego boost to know that i COULD have any man i wanted and choose none of them. Very empowering.
My daughter just turned 2 in September. My goodness, time flies by so fast. She's so smart now: singing her ABCs and counting to 10 all by herself (when she feels like it, that is). She's developing one hell of an attitude too. In her mind, it's her way or the highway, but Momma feels the same way: MY way or the highway. I guess that's probably where she got that attitude from. Haha. Oopsie! Something i shouldn't have passed on there, huh?
Still living with the parents at the moment, but that's not all that bad. They give me my space; i give them their space and we all get along just fine. They help me out here and there, and i try to do the same for them. It keeps me financially comfortable too. They absolutely love having my little one running around their house always, and they're so helpful with babysitting when i have to work or do whatever else without her.
Overall, my life is quite good. AND on the Ana front, i'm doing phenomenal. I can honestly say i'm completely comfortable with my body just as it is now. I'm 5'5" and weigh 136, but i'm ok with it. I actually think i'm quite beautiful, not to sound stuck up, but it's just nice. I really do hope you all can find that satisfaction someday. I do want to tone my stomach up a little bit though. I plan to start doing that right after this awful American holiday of Thanksgiving passes. I'll keep you more updated now, i promise. I'll try to catch up on what's been happening with you all too. Please leave me comments and let me know how you're all doing. I LOVE YOU BUNCHES! *mwah*
My ex husband and i are actually on very good terms now. Friendship only, of course. I don't know, i've been considering more, but am really not certain about that. I've always loved him, but i don't wanna support him. That was the main problem we had before. *shrugs* Who knows where it'll go; i'm just taking it one day at a time.
I am back at the club, but i'm loving it. My boss is a wonderful man. He's great to go to for advice on just about anything. Dancing naked for strangers isn't all that terrible now that i don't have a man to go home to who will accuse me of sleeping with said strangers every night. In fact, it's a huge ego boost to know that i COULD have any man i wanted and choose none of them. Very empowering.
My daughter just turned 2 in September. My goodness, time flies by so fast. She's so smart now: singing her ABCs and counting to 10 all by herself (when she feels like it, that is). She's developing one hell of an attitude too. In her mind, it's her way or the highway, but Momma feels the same way: MY way or the highway. I guess that's probably where she got that attitude from. Haha. Oopsie! Something i shouldn't have passed on there, huh?
Still living with the parents at the moment, but that's not all that bad. They give me my space; i give them their space and we all get along just fine. They help me out here and there, and i try to do the same for them. It keeps me financially comfortable too. They absolutely love having my little one running around their house always, and they're so helpful with babysitting when i have to work or do whatever else without her.
Overall, my life is quite good. AND on the Ana front, i'm doing phenomenal. I can honestly say i'm completely comfortable with my body just as it is now. I'm 5'5" and weigh 136, but i'm ok with it. I actually think i'm quite beautiful, not to sound stuck up, but it's just nice. I really do hope you all can find that satisfaction someday. I do want to tone my stomach up a little bit though. I plan to start doing that right after this awful American holiday of Thanksgiving passes. I'll keep you more updated now, i promise. I'll try to catch up on what's been happening with you all too. Please leave me comments and let me know how you're all doing. I LOVE YOU BUNCHES! *mwah*
Sunday, August 11, 2013
I'm Still Alive
I'm so sorry i haven't posted in so long. I'd make the excuses that my internet access has been limited, and i've been busy, and being on here is triggering...but it's all bullshit, even though it's true. I could have found a way to write regardless of circumstances if i had only tried. I've missed you all terribly, really i have, and i have so much to tell you. That's probably another reason why i haven't posted in so long: i don't know where to begin with all that has happened. I suppose the beginning would be a good place to start, huh? Ok, here goes: i'll try to keep it short and informative...
My husband and i are no longer together. We split shortly after Christmas. It's not entirely his fault. It's mine just as much as it is his. Reasons are irrelevant and too personal and painful to go into detail on. So let's just leave it at that and be done with that subject.
Shortly after we split, i dated someone... let's just call him Quinn... for a month or so, but we were both in denial about it all the entire time because there was a huge age difference, and we both felt as if i had moved on from my husband too fast. While Quinn and i were still dating and questioning it, someone else came along and swept me off my feet.
Perhaps it was his glorious blue eyes, perhaps it was his intelligence, perhaps it was his fearless persona, perhaps it was how easily my daughter took a liking to him, or perhaps it was a combination of all of those things, but i fell for him hard and fast. We shall call him Scott. So, i told Quinn that i didn't think we should be together, and moved on to Scott just like that. Perhaps a bit fast, and slut-tastic, but i felt as if it was a wise decision at the time. Scott and i got a lovely little apartment together right away, and everything went splendidly for the first 2 months. Then he began to be controlling and accusatory, constantly telling me of his fear that i was cheating on him even though he had me at his side at all times. Now, in his defense, he did not mean to be controlling, and i can't blame a man for wondering if his girl is cheating on him when her occupation is pole dancing at a local strip club.... I should have said something to him, and i'm sure we could have put the issues to rest, but instead i reverted to a horrible mixture of anorexia and bulimia, mainly bulimia, to try to get my life back under my control. I never even knew i was capable of bulimia until that month. I hid it well. Scott never had a clue, but i felt it tearing my body apart. My heart raced from simply walking up the steps in our apartment. My entire skeletal system felt weak, and every muscle in my body ached constantly. So instead of calmly talking through the issues with Scott, i ran like a scared little bitch. Told him we couldn't be together because he was controlling, and asked him to leave despite his tears and promises that he could fix it, change for me, and make everything better if i'd only stay with him.
That same night, i was back with Quinn. I rushed that far too much. He seemed like a fit comfort zone, and a wonderful individual to me that night... Ignore the fact that i was drunk when i made the decision to move him in to the apartment with me, and it all seemed perfectly logical, right? Oh it was awful. Quinn was always angry, not necessarily at me, but still always angry, and i knew my daughter was merely an inconvenience to him. It lasted a month, with my bulimic anorexia still raging, despite his attempts to force food at me constantly. Then i couldn't take his childish anger spells any more and told him i didn't want a relationship with anyone, which was very true. As i spoke to him, i watched his hands ball into fists and he stormed upstairs. That was when i bolted. I have been in too many abusive relationships to see someone so agitated and stay around. He attempted suicide that night. I still partially blame myself, but i refuse to speak to him since then because i can't have his drama in my life.
I was single for a week, but every night i worked, Scott was at the club. Seeing his beauty, wishing for his touch, wanting to break down and cry every time i noticed his eyes on me, was just too much. Then he approached me. "Will you dance for me if i sit at the stage while you are on?" I couldn't turn him down. I'd loved him the entire time we were apart and wished i would have just listened to his pleas to work through the problems. As i danced for him, i shook terribly, feeling like a single leaf in a windstorm of emotion, then he whispered "I still love you," and i melted completely. That night i went home with him, and we talked through all the problems there had been. He promised to change, to help me.
And he has done so. He really has. We've been back together for a little over a month now, and he's been wonderful. I haven't been eating much...but i haven't been throwing up either. He lifts me up rather than tears me down, and my daughter is so glad to have him back in her life.
I did have to quit my job, however. It was wearing on him, and on me as well. I hated lying to people constantly and making men think their wallet could win my love. He hated seeing my attention devoted to other men, even though i was coming home to him at the end of the night. I really didn't mind quitting. I was so burnt out on it after doing it for a year anyway. A job like that is not meant for anyone who has a heart. I couldn't deal with it anymore; he just gave me more reason than my own selfish need to quit. I have another job now. At a terrible little restaurant, working for minimum wage plus tips, but it's better than nothing, i suppose. We're broke as hell, and i'm living with my parents while he lives with his sister, but we are happy with the love we have, and i am as mentally stable as i think i ever will be.
That wasn't short at all...but it was abbreviated from what it could have been... Thank you so much if you have cared enough to read this far. I promise to keep in touch more, and post more often. Tomorrow i shall try to catch up on the blogs i follow, and make another post, preferably in story form, as that seems to be what everyone appreciates most. Sending my love out to all of you who follow me.
My husband and i are no longer together. We split shortly after Christmas. It's not entirely his fault. It's mine just as much as it is his. Reasons are irrelevant and too personal and painful to go into detail on. So let's just leave it at that and be done with that subject.
Shortly after we split, i dated someone... let's just call him Quinn... for a month or so, but we were both in denial about it all the entire time because there was a huge age difference, and we both felt as if i had moved on from my husband too fast. While Quinn and i were still dating and questioning it, someone else came along and swept me off my feet.
Perhaps it was his glorious blue eyes, perhaps it was his intelligence, perhaps it was his fearless persona, perhaps it was how easily my daughter took a liking to him, or perhaps it was a combination of all of those things, but i fell for him hard and fast. We shall call him Scott. So, i told Quinn that i didn't think we should be together, and moved on to Scott just like that. Perhaps a bit fast, and slut-tastic, but i felt as if it was a wise decision at the time. Scott and i got a lovely little apartment together right away, and everything went splendidly for the first 2 months. Then he began to be controlling and accusatory, constantly telling me of his fear that i was cheating on him even though he had me at his side at all times. Now, in his defense, he did not mean to be controlling, and i can't blame a man for wondering if his girl is cheating on him when her occupation is pole dancing at a local strip club.... I should have said something to him, and i'm sure we could have put the issues to rest, but instead i reverted to a horrible mixture of anorexia and bulimia, mainly bulimia, to try to get my life back under my control. I never even knew i was capable of bulimia until that month. I hid it well. Scott never had a clue, but i felt it tearing my body apart. My heart raced from simply walking up the steps in our apartment. My entire skeletal system felt weak, and every muscle in my body ached constantly. So instead of calmly talking through the issues with Scott, i ran like a scared little bitch. Told him we couldn't be together because he was controlling, and asked him to leave despite his tears and promises that he could fix it, change for me, and make everything better if i'd only stay with him.
That same night, i was back with Quinn. I rushed that far too much. He seemed like a fit comfort zone, and a wonderful individual to me that night... Ignore the fact that i was drunk when i made the decision to move him in to the apartment with me, and it all seemed perfectly logical, right? Oh it was awful. Quinn was always angry, not necessarily at me, but still always angry, and i knew my daughter was merely an inconvenience to him. It lasted a month, with my bulimic anorexia still raging, despite his attempts to force food at me constantly. Then i couldn't take his childish anger spells any more and told him i didn't want a relationship with anyone, which was very true. As i spoke to him, i watched his hands ball into fists and he stormed upstairs. That was when i bolted. I have been in too many abusive relationships to see someone so agitated and stay around. He attempted suicide that night. I still partially blame myself, but i refuse to speak to him since then because i can't have his drama in my life.
I was single for a week, but every night i worked, Scott was at the club. Seeing his beauty, wishing for his touch, wanting to break down and cry every time i noticed his eyes on me, was just too much. Then he approached me. "Will you dance for me if i sit at the stage while you are on?" I couldn't turn him down. I'd loved him the entire time we were apart and wished i would have just listened to his pleas to work through the problems. As i danced for him, i shook terribly, feeling like a single leaf in a windstorm of emotion, then he whispered "I still love you," and i melted completely. That night i went home with him, and we talked through all the problems there had been. He promised to change, to help me.
And he has done so. He really has. We've been back together for a little over a month now, and he's been wonderful. I haven't been eating much...but i haven't been throwing up either. He lifts me up rather than tears me down, and my daughter is so glad to have him back in her life.
I did have to quit my job, however. It was wearing on him, and on me as well. I hated lying to people constantly and making men think their wallet could win my love. He hated seeing my attention devoted to other men, even though i was coming home to him at the end of the night. I really didn't mind quitting. I was so burnt out on it after doing it for a year anyway. A job like that is not meant for anyone who has a heart. I couldn't deal with it anymore; he just gave me more reason than my own selfish need to quit. I have another job now. At a terrible little restaurant, working for minimum wage plus tips, but it's better than nothing, i suppose. We're broke as hell, and i'm living with my parents while he lives with his sister, but we are happy with the love we have, and i am as mentally stable as i think i ever will be.
That wasn't short at all...but it was abbreviated from what it could have been... Thank you so much if you have cared enough to read this far. I promise to keep in touch more, and post more often. Tomorrow i shall try to catch up on the blogs i follow, and make another post, preferably in story form, as that seems to be what everyone appreciates most. Sending my love out to all of you who follow me.
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