"Everything i do is wrong in their eyes," i whispered to my baby girl, nodding out to the living room where my parents were still complaining in hushed tones that they thought i could not overhear.
She looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and patted my cheek with her chubby little hand. "Don't cry, Mommy."
I couldn't help it. The tears were flowing freely though i didn't even really know why. What my parents thought of me really shouldn't have such a negative effect upon me. I should be used to it by now. All i'd ever been to them was the black sheep that fucked everything up.
"Psssst!" the familiar voice hissing from the closet made the tears come even more violently.
Babygirl was very worried by this, though i knew she couldn't hear the voice, and ran out of the room to announce to the entire house "Mommy cries!"
"Get the fuck out of here, Ana!" i whispered as soon as my daughter was out of the room.
"No, i think you're in need of me right about now," she returned, appearing from the closet. "Maybe your parents wouldn't think you such a fuck up if you weren't eating all their food at this point."
"I. Said. Go."
She shook her head. "You need me. You know i can fix everything."
"Or make it worse, like you always do."
"Hmph!" she snorted. "I do not." She offered me a knife. "This might help you as well."
I jumped away from her, startled. "No!" I hadn't even thought of cutting in nearly a year. "Get that out of here!" I was more frightened by how appealing it sounded. "This house is poison," i whispered. "It's where your hold on me is strongest, and where all of my past issues come back to haunt me."
She only laughed that magical laugh. "Poison, huh? I think i'm quite good for you."
I didn't know what to think... I only sat in silence, listening to my parents' hushed conversation. My father now slandering anyone who would consider going to college... what a coincidence that i had just begun considering it. I'd never heard him make such comments before. Everything i did really was wrong in his eyes. I wasn't just being overdramatic.. What the hell was i supposed to do?
"Ok, bitch," i said, glaring at Ana's skeletal frame that stood in front of me, "make me perfect, but get that fucking knife out of here."
She nodded with a satisfied smile. "Deal."
Ana is full of SHIT. She never fixes anything! She gives you the illusion of control while turning your entire fucking life into a train wreck and then starting in on BabyGirl.
ReplyDeleteMy parents are like that too. They fuck wreck EVERYTHING. I've started putting everything they say in the mental trash basket. No matter how hard i try to please them, I know I never will. So I'm going to stop fucking trying and do what makes ME happy and not them.
Lets build a parental emancipation wagon and hitch some badass unicorns to it and become awesome instead of letting our parents pass their venom down to the delicate minds of BabyGirl and Hope and Lockee.
NO MORE. NO FUCKING MORE. HEAR ME, PARENTS? WE'RE DONE WITH YOUR DISAPPROVAL AND BULLSHIT. WE ARE GOING TO MAKE OURSELVES HAPPY AND FUCK YOU IF YOU DON'T APPROVE OF WHAT MAKES US HAPPY.
I'LL JOIN A FUCKING CIRCUS IF I WANT TO. I'LL DANCE NAKED THROUGH THE STREETS OF EDINBURGH IF I WANT TO. I'LL GET DRUNK AND WRITE ALL NIGHT IF I WANT TO. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.
*Hugs you tightly*
P.S.
ReplyDelete"That's the shit my parents do to me all the time. I've grown up feeling as if i can do nothing right, which makes me want to do everything right even more. Use it as motivation to prove him wrong, and do NOT let him bring you down."
OMFG YES OUR PARENTS WENT TO THE SAME FUCKING SCHOOL OF HOW TO BE A BAD PARENT. Fuck them and fuck the perfectionism. We can never please them, so we shall please ourselves. Deep down I reckon they'll be happy when we're happy and doing what we enjoy, even if they don't admit it for 30-40 years -.-;
My ladies get shit done, all right. Is BabyGirl past the napping stage already? Yikes time goes too fast! Hmmm, on the bright side by the times she's in school the stories will be more edited and in a better state to be read. Plus you'll be able to get it all in one go instead of being like Chatterbox and Deirdre and flailing for months waiting for the next one XD You know, like waiting between TV seasons D:
Sending you a ton of love from the bottom of the world. Don't make yourself miserable trying to please those who can't be pleased, ok? Fuck them all, make yourself happy and make sure BabyGirl knows you'll be proud of her no matter what.
<3
P.S
ReplyDeleteYeah, madness be exploding all over the sodding place. It's not called the silly season for nothing! >.<
Thank you so much. Sending hugs and love and strength right back to you *huggles*
Um, hmmm. Blogs blogs blogs. I've not really been adding many new people over the last year, but people who may be of interest:
Tempest is pure awesome: http://thestormiswithin.blogspot.co.nz/
Ruby is also amazing, but struggling really hard. Her blog may be a bit too triggering if you're serious about defenestrating AnMcFucktard http://andthenshedisappeared.blogspot.co.nz/
Dese. Dese is beautiful inside an out: http://etreplusmince.blogspot.co.nz/
The ever-fantastic Mich: http://s1ckb1tch.blogspot.com/
Mhairi, sporadic but worth the wait: http://noroomforthunder.blogspot.co.nz/
And Honor. Needs to be poked into posting more often: http://honorregzig.blogspot.co.nz/
Luffles you! <3
Don't make that deal girl
ReplyDeleteRun!
Run in the opposite direction of Ana
Don't believe her lies
Hang in there x